It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, March 31, 2004
withers away @ 11:21 pm

well today we went to kap to play and do work. well i guess one of the few who did work.. i dunno what came over me too. just kept doing work until i wanted to die. but i didnt do much also. -___-||| well sum is apparently really v happy! hahaz. oh shit i forgot to ask him to show me his neoprints with emmeline. today we were pushing him to go sit with em at kap today. he is just so shy. but of course things like this should not be rushed. but you see, he actually wanted to stay in the library to do his work with her, but in the end he had to come to kap with us and em came too! haha. and she actually came over to play cards with us. could see that they were having quite a nice time together. it's so nice seeing people pair up for real. weepz and joan came up with the continuation of ytd's bullshit trilogy- bullshit, bullshit reloaded, bullshit revolutions. all the bullshit started with weepz. it's all about making human rockets. projectiles. haha. of joan, me and himself. all because weepz went mad after mugging too much bio. today's one was cowdung i think. about sum and em. but of course again it's all crap. all of us were laughing at it. sum had to leave early because he had a comp and em went back with him.... hahaz. well later we went back to sch for our respective ccas. and guess what. i was done in 1/2h. met mang juin so many times along the way we were laughing by the time we met the last time at 3.30pm++. so i brought my guitar for nothing. -___-|||. but anyway i guess that's all that happened today.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:24 am

read chek's blog. felt quite sad. hmm. i shall do something like that too. let's go in chronological order.
i miss my fmps friends. i miss kenneth. i haven't seen him for quite some time. when i heard the other day that he was in ps while i was in cine, just felt that we were so near yet so far. haha *bullshit* but i do miss him. i miss 6A99. i miss that kind of feeling of reunion. i've been missing the class gatherings these years. feel quite bad. i wonder when would we get to meet again. and adelene is in aust. i wonder when will be get to meet, or will we ever? i miss the teachers back in fmps. mrs lau, cai lao shi, qiu lao shi, mrs seah etc. all of them made some impact in my life, and made me what i am now. i wonder how they are all doing now. somehow i miss the chapel sessions too. and miss ho. and mrs ho.
i miss my ny friends. both 2/5 and 4/9. i have to admit we weren't v close, but i still miss them. the times we spent together, the class chalets we had. when i learnt how to play bridge and mahjong from them. when we cheered while watching world cup match. when we were so quiet in 2/5 and so noisy in 4/9. i miss the teachers back there. i won't list them, just too many to. their understanding, patience, guidance.
i miss my church friends. we didn't meet up for a v long time, we didn't even talk to each other online. but they have once been an important part of my life. they brought me close to God. i'm v thankful for that.
i miss ny choir. i miss singing. i miss the times when we tried so hard, and too hard to get in tune, get into the mood, get what miss lim wants. the times when we laughed and cried when we got gold for our syf. the times we suffered setbacks and felt so low. the times we enjoyed singing as a choir. i miss miss lim. i learnt a lot.
i miss the zoo, though i see them everyday. everyone of them. cyn, lao gong, el, beat, mel. and mel is coming to s'pore for a wk from this sat onwards!!! and she is crashing nj!!! yoohoo. i miss the times we were so crazy in ny. i miss the times when we were studying together, eating recess together, bullying el together, doing everything together. i love all of you dearies muacks. cyn i really miss you a whole lot. i know you know what i want to say. you know me. all the times we spend talking. about everything. the times we sat down and did nothing.
i miss zhe han. i haven't seen him for some time. i miss the times the 3 of us ate lunch together, laughed together, sang together, just sat together. i miss your pats. how's your block tests?
i miss people who got transferred out of class. i miss orientation1. i miss all the jokes, the stoning, everything, though we still do these things now. i miss hester, yanling, fiona, xu shu, yijun, ch (thank goodness case is closed. phew!).
i hope i covered everyone i wanted to cover. if not, i will add on to this in future. seriously have to sleep before mum comes and kills me. good night.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, March 30, 2004
withers away @ 10:23 pm

let's see what did we do today.. after sch we went to do hwk in the lib. hiya we didn't do much really. but at least we did some work. tml's timetable is v stupid. we have an admin talk for 1h and then we have no lessons until 3 when our ccas start. we have decided to mug for 6h.. i don't think we will. nvm i shall just bring all the stuff that i want to do and see what i would like to start with. i'm really v bored now. -___-

It's something Mystical

Monday, March 29, 2004
withers away @ 11:05 pm

ytd met mrs wong in church. well i seem to meet her quite often in church nowadays. she asked me about where i was and stuff. now even my mum recognizes her haha. today is orientation 2 which of course isn't as fun as orientation 1. but nonetheless still not bad. mass dance, games, dance party and all. lao gong, casie and a few others were actually in my og! in the end those people who were not supposed to be in our og, ie weepz, sum, yunqi and eunice still stayed with us ^_^ lao gong, el and beat went off to causeway point after lunch break to shop. we actually wanted to pon games, but in the end we still went for it. the games were not bad, just that there was a lot of sports and the sun wasn't exactly v kind to us. after that was reflections. well a pity that joan had to go off at 5 for choir. she missed so much of crap! after reflections we sang a lot of nice songs like at the beginning, stand by me, if we hold on together etc. wow that was really nice.. putting our arms around each other and swaying.. oh man i'm just too easily touched. and after that was the dance party. actually the guys wanted to pon and go and do bio -__-||| but in the end weepz got too high and danced almost all the way through. sum and qy just looked on. haha they just can't dance somehow. at least they say they can't. then hester and yanling came back!!! wow i was so damn glad that we didn't go do bio or something. haha. and oh yah weepz did a pole dance and it was shot by a camera! hahaz. then we went downstairs to get some drinks and meanwhile weepz weaved a stupid story out of some photos that he took using the phone. haha but that was fun. anyway later we went out for dinner. we didn't stay for v long but it was nice. hugged yanling and hester. vic and hester couldn't stop crying. well i could understand that. but on the whole today was a really nice day. yeah. :) but of course, hope that things would stay this way. i don't want anything to change anymore. we are happy like this together. please.

It's something Mystical

Saturday, March 27, 2004
withers away @ 11:30 pm

ok just heard that different og doesn't mean different class. but i still just have a bad feeling. oh no. i hope not. but there's still hope. i shall pray.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 10:59 pm

today is a bad day. heard that weepz and sum are in different og from us. oh no. what does that mean? we just got qy back. i don't want anyone else to go. i don't know what to say to describe whatever that i'm feeling now, but i just don't want anyone else to go. even if it's just to a different class. there is no point in spliting up the class. why the hell did things turn out this way. hopefully different og does not mean different class. why like that!!! argh. and ch said that if he doesn't get bio chem combi in all the other jcs that he tried to transfer to, he would do nj arts. hope he can cope well with everything that comes his way. this is so sudden for him. sighz. everything is so screwed up. i'm really v sad.

It's something Mystical

Friday, March 26, 2004
withers away @ 10:32 pm

today nothing much happened.. weepz didn't come to sch today.. we had love matters workshop for the whole day.. that's all that happened. yupz.

It's something Mystical

Thursday, March 25, 2004
withers away @ 11:33 pm

today was really quite fun. i mean we had like 5h of free period having nothing to do. first period was civics, and ms tan was on mc. next was bio. we were supposed to do work in the lib since there wasn't any lecture. then it was break, followed by 2h of lectures that didn't concern us. then lunch. so in the end we decided to go to KAP to eat breakfast together. weepz, joan, sum and i waited for qy to finish with his appeal stuff. during this period me and joan said something really wrong and everything went wrong after that... felt really so bad.. well everyone didn't feel good about it.. but i just didn't know what to say or do to make weepz less upset. so ended up everyone was stoning or doing their own stuff. i was feeling so bad. argh. but anyway in the end weepz reverted back to his old self. thank god for that, i was praying so hard for it. then we went to KAP and spent the whole time there asking stupid riddles. haha wonder how long we spent there talking cock. but it was a lot of fun.:) then the rest of the class went back to sch while the 5 of us went to play pool at btp. joan had to bring home clothes for me, since i don't intend to let my mum know that i came out of sch to play pool. didn't get to play much but somehow still enjoyed the time spent together. changed out and waited for sum for a v long time. we were going to be late for lecture. just when we were going to step out of btp, it started to rain. best. we ran in the rain to the busstop. obviously all wet by the time we reached sch. luckily the side gate was open. i can't imagine ourselves running in through the main gate. in the end we were on time for lecture. phew. i felt so damn sleepy after that i nearly slept through chem lecture. couldn't sleep for maths and econs because it was too cold, and we were sitting in front. after maths our class talked with mr lee for a while about the appeal stuff. he thought it's a screwed up system too. but what can we do with it? but anyway still glad that qy is back with us. life without him would be quite horrible..
el had her op today. it should be a tumour. but still need to have further tests to see if it's malignant or not. oh no. i would continue to pray. she doesn't know when the results would be out. wonder how she looks like now. hope she can come to sch on mon to have orientation 2. if not she would really miss out a lot. and she already has a whole lot of catching up to do.

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, March 24, 2004
withers away @ 4:42 pm

today appeal results are officially out. qy got back into nj. but hester's appeal wasn't successful. everyone was really sad. i don't know what to say anymore.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, March 23, 2004
withers away @ 10:34 pm

yeah qy is coming back! his appeal is successful!! yeah!!! well today i went out with the class.. to watch the eye. haha actually was quite freaked out but what could i do? haha. i was shutting my eyes whenever i knew a ghost was going to appear.. i know that's stupid but ok. all the gals were really freaked out but laughing at the same time. me too.. haha. at certain parts. i was freaked out but laughing and feeling sleepy at the same time. wonder what's wrong with me.. but anyway, after that we went to eat and i went home while joan, weepz, sum and qy went to play pool. i was trying on my new sets of uniform when joan smsed me and said that qy's appeal is successful! i was so happy for him. haha. yeah!

It's something Mystical

Monday, March 22, 2004
withers away @ 10:56 pm

well met up with the zoo. it was really nice being in the midst of these people again. felt v comfortable. throughout the day i just felt a sense of loss. somehow things were not the same without qy, ch, fio, taitai, yanling, hester, xu shu. felt quite empty. esp without qy's pompous verbosity.. things just weren't the same. i suppse things would never be the same. joan and i kept getting reminded that there were people missing. or rather i kept reminding her. but whatever, life has to go on. met hester and yanling after sch. so called sch.. we didn't have lessons today. we were asked to bond with the 2nd intakers. met ch too. wonder how do we pass each other letters after this. sigh. actually wanted to go for movies with the class, but mum wanted me home early but it was getting too late. so stayed in sch and waited for lao gong and beat to come back from j8. el went to SGH. wonder how is she. well gave a sch tour to them and rotted in the canteen. v nice. later found out that qy went for the movie too. i missed the chance of seeing him! sigh. ok shall end all this and watch tv now.

It's something Mystical

Saturday, March 20, 2004
withers away @ 11:04 pm

today is a bad day. holidays are ending and i havent finished my work. that's not really the point. but anyway it just adds on to my bad mood, that's all. checked posting results this morning although it was quite redundant. was very happy initially because lao gong got into nj too. she didn't make it into hc, but she is still happy. hc's cut off for science this year is damn low. beat and el in nj too. so we arranged to meet and go buy sch u together. but before i knew it, joan smsed me and said that the cut off for nj is v low too. then the news came that qy and tai tai got posted to tj. yanling to sa if i didnt rmbr wrongly. oh my. i felt v low, but i guess i couldn't do anything about it. looks like ch wouldn't have made it too. since he got 10 points too. i feel so sorry for them, but i can't do anything. hate this feeling of helplessness. but was still very happy throughout when we bought sch u and stuff.. maybe this is what beat and el can do to me haha make me happy... but i couldn't get my size for sch u -___-.. same for el. only beat got hers. lao gong too. hope cyn is feeling better now... i don't know.. some stuff are screwed up now.. terribly screwed up. cyn's prediction came true, and someone had to say the wrong thing. screwed up. but somehow my mood was still ok. at least not down in the dumps. but when i reached home, looked at my work and got reminded of ytd when qy told me he has not done any, oh my gosh i just started to think about 04S27. i just thought about the times when we were together. about qy, tai tai, yanling, ch... when we had so much fun together. and on mon, i won't get to see them. today is just so screwed up. and something has happened to nao-chan. hope he's ok. well today is really screwed up.

It's something Mystical

Friday, March 19, 2004
withers away @ 11:26 pm

well el is going to have her op on thurs. she went to sgh this morning for some tests. they stuck filter paper into her eyes to make her cry! OUCH! how could they do that to our dear el! they still don't know if it's cancer or not, but it could be tuberculosis or chronic inflammation. this is absolutely going the wrong way. but i would rather it be inflammation. of course. *prays doubly hard* today is another mugging day, doing bio whole day. did my econs essay too. tml posting results are coming out. will be buying my u with beat and mum i think. i'm so relaxed, unlike the time when the posting results for pae was going to be released.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:08 am

yesterday and today is a hell lot of difference. i shall have to blog about today first. today was going on as usual with me struggling with bio tys questions. i was eating lunch and watching tv when beat smsed me with the news that el may have cancer. i was utterly stunned. i went into denial and told myself it wouldn't be her. beat and i ended up sms-ing each other for the whole afternoon and freaked each other out instead of comforting each other. cyn later called too. everyone has freaked out except for el herself. well of couse we would only know if it's cancer after tml's op. so all through the afternoon, even up till now, me and my zoo mates have been telling one another that it would not be cancer, it would never be cancer and we would never allow it to be cancer. i mean everything would only be out tml lah. no point worrying now. everyone is praying for her, even those like beat and lao gong who don't pray. everything is going to be ok. i'm sure. and beat, no one gets cancer just because of a few punches. el won't get cancer because you punched her accidentally. never ok. so don't ever feel guilty. i'm going to stop here about all this talk since el is going to be ok. ok let's talk about yesterday. it was really very fun! well we couldn't contact ch because his phone was engaged. was calling him the whole morning before i left. but to no avail. so i hurriedly went out of the house all because of weepz's smses. but i missed the bus and i missed the mrt. but i still reached jurong east just a couple of minutes late. but there weren't a lot of people yet. we waited for very long because qy the joker was still in woodlands when i reached. but it wasn't boring waiting, since weepz and joan were there to entertain me. haha. we left for lunch and sat down on the floor eating. good that there wasn't anyone to say we were having an illegal gathering. oh yah weepz managed to get ch while we were deciding what to eat. after eating, because we had to wait for ch, we played truth or dare. it was really bad for me. all because of weepz and joan so i got it. i couldn't believe hester asked all those questions argh! but anyway i was so damn glad ch wasn't around to hear all that crap. but it was really v funny. anyway when we went in to ice skate *finally* there were really a lot of people skating already. we skated for quite a long time. it was really fun but there were just too many people and they were banging into me. i was coaching some people but ended up coaching ch most of the time. he learnt how to skate finally! haha after falling a lot of times. and the ring was literally flooded because there were just too many people. well there were some people who were like together all the time, and i mean ALL the time. make it so obvious still want to deny. tsk tsk. but anyway, after that we went to stone because we didn't know what to do. i was so damn tired after that. felt like sleeping. i was just thinking about some stuff in my own world, so it has nothing to do with me feeling left out or anything k. went to imm and popped into some shops. when they sat down for dinner i left a few minutes after, since my mum forbade me to eat dinner outside. so that's my interesting but tiring day.
for now i guess i need to go and pray and sleep.

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
withers away @ 12:21 am

today went out with cyn, hito, el and beato. we went to westmall to watch the butterfly effect. v interesting movie i must say, but cyn got freaked out by it. sort of. but it's v interesting lah. the place was quite empty, since we went for the 10.30 show. oh yah throughout the whole morning beat was very very blur. don't know what's wrong with her today. even more blur than our blur el. after the show we went to el's place. cyn didn't want hito to go although el said it was perfectly all right and el's parents know about them. well i guess i understand why. el and beat showed me and cyn dir en grey and miyavi. well i thought that was something interesting too! haha. well since i never really listened or seen anything like this before, though i heard probably one or two songs before. well cyn was so tired she fell asleep. today everyone was v tired anyway. she left early because of huang cheng. beat and el played the piano. well miss them playing the canteen piano at ny. just felt so good being able to hear them play again. we went rotting in el's room and did some stupid things there. like tickling each other, sitting on top of each other and what not. we were practically laughing all the time. well that's life. haha. so beat and i left at around 5+. we ran after the bus because we saw it going past right before us when we reached the junction. never really ran this much for a bus before haha. so that's everything interesting that happened today. tml is going to be fun! because of class gathering! ice skating! and finally somewhere near my house haha! but merv may not be able to make it coz he's damn tired. and weepz still havent reached ch loh.. his phone was engaged all the time. he's going to call him tml morning. wonder if it will work. anyway it's getting late i better sleep or else i will be late.

It's something Mystical

Monday, March 15, 2004
withers away @ 10:53 pm

it's been years since i last blogged.. hmm fri was the last day of term 1. my class wanted to pon GP lessons, since we hated double period GP. and it was a supposed half day off from TWO. that means one hour of GP. it sounded quite absurd to us, but in the end we still went. so glad ms yap wasnt angry or anything. not v nice to provoke her when it's the last lesson of the term i guess. but in the end it was slack period. we ended up eating all the food we had, from xu shu, ms yap and the prize for the recycling competition (i think). well so this is fri. on sat, i went for nus open house with cyn. we walked quite a bit because we were blind to the sign which tells us which way to walk but eventually we reached the place safely. we were approached by different people and all of them asked us what we intend to study haha. when we told them we are just in JC1 they were kind of shocked. haha. while walking around, this lady approached us and she wanted to interview us. she is some publisher i think of some nus newsletter. cyn was apparently v shocked haha. so in the end i answered most of the questions. at least tried to. i suppose i need some practice if i were to run for elections. but i dunno if i really am going to run for elections. ok that aside. in the end she still asked for my name, age and hp no. she still took our photo! ah well ok this is just a small episode.. well on sunday i slacked. today.. i didn't do anything much. just slacked at home. so that's my day for you. tml going out with cyn, beat and el. yeah! lao gong is in m'sia now. genting again. she is very sad over her leaving sa. so sad. hope this will pass and she wun be so sad. sighz.

It's something Mystical

Thursday, March 11, 2004
withers away @ 11:24 pm

hmmmm well today was an ok day.. but all the stress is starting to ooze in, after the hectic morning we went through this morning. yesterday i had a bad day because it was raining so damn heavily. i ended up slacking the whole afternoon and started studying for bio only at night. grave mistake. i only finished carbohydrates and i slept with my head on the study table for one hour. when i went for the test in the first period my mind was a complete blank. I couldn't even recall what other polysaccharides were there besides starch! i knew it was a total flunk. the essay qn was worse. i couldn't remember what was collagen and cellulose. what the hell. i am going to fail it for sure. i feel so bad, since everyone studied for it. feel so slack. oh no where is the ny mugger peishan? i must must must get back my mugger self. oh no. but anyway who cares about this lecture test for now. later we had econs and bio prac. nothing much to talk about. chem tutorial was quite sad, since i kept getting reminded that it was the last time we would see mr wong as our tutor until he comes back, that is if he is still our chem tutor. so sad. he's so nice! just who are we going to get for our chem tutor man... and he scared me, joan and weepz after lesson. he pointed at us and went: you, you and you come outside and see me. we were frantically trying to think what we did wrong. haha. turned out that he's recommending us to run for council elections. should i go? i don't know. didn't tell my mum about it. somehow don't feel like telling her. i think i'm seriously getting overly stressed. oh no. a result of too many months of slacking. i can just stare into space and get troubled over nothing. hiya just another one of my depression states.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, March 09, 2004
withers away @ 9:56 pm

well actually there is nothing much to blog... bio test on biological molecules are coming up on thurs and i don't feel like studying for it at all. i think i never study for test for too long already. i can't get into the mood. or maybe it's the people i hang around with who is causing me to be like this. haha. i'm v tired everyday, obviously because i sleep too late. but i don't really know why i sleep so late too. i don't stay up doing work. i always end up doing something else. i'm not exactly bothered by it anyway. just means that i sleep in school after lessons end that's all. i never really hang around so much with my classmates before, but i really love the feeling. but i still need to balance up studies because somehow i'm getting quite scared for promos, s papers and stuff. seems like i will just die if i don't do well enough. i have to try to balance up work and play. i still remember that i need to show my mum that i can make it. haha.

It's something Mystical

Monday, March 08, 2004
withers away @ 12:12 am

i'm just very amused by all my friends in nj. i can just think about them and start laughing. haha forget what i just said, it's all crap. but i'm really very glad that i met this bunch of friends there, and for all the joy they bring, and i really want to thank all of you for this! *hugs*
i realized i haven't been updating on what happened to my zoo friends.. well lao gong is going hc with cyn, taking same combi as me, beat and el are coming to nj taking arts. well we are all back to the bukit timah area! hurray!!! i know i don't say this a lot but i really miss them. when we start talking we just have so much things to say. even when we don't have things to say it is always very nice to hang around with them. thanks folks! *glomps*
i just finished a very interesting conversation with weepz and joan. haha just realized that i can be really v scary. i just scared them twice. they can't hear the tone i'm using to say the words i say, and they can't see my facial expression, so they all get damn scared whenever they say something seemingly wrong and start to apologize to me furiously. hiyo please, i don't get offended that easily... i don't think i ever got angry online before, and if you really see me get angry, you can see my face turning damn black. so don't worry lah... i don't get seroiusly offended at stuff like teasing or "stability". oh no i really look that scary.. hmmmm i must change my image man.

It's something Mystical

Friday, March 05, 2004
withers away @ 11:23 pm

well hmmm how should i start? stupid weepz is pairing everyone up. and most of them are just his imagination. worse still, he's pairing me up with my angel. ok i agree he is a nice guy but that doesn't mean i should go for all nice guys right. all the guys in our class are nice. i think all the talk about stable CH bonds is making him quite embarrassed. poor thing. traumatising me too! then weepz keep giving the look and the smile. and sum is joining in! oh no when is this going to end? but it will eventually end, since it is all fake. and joan knows this because i told her about it today. me and my angel have decided that we shall just let weepz indulge in his own entertainment. maybe i should just threaten him by saying that i will tell the whole class who is his one. but being such a nice gal like me i wouldn't say. damn it. sometimes i wish i could just be a little more ruthless. haha. but i think it's quite possible between he and his one. i shall just wait and see, maybe push him a little. oh whatever why am i saying all this online? someone might just kill me for that. but maybe i would be better off killed haha just what nonsense am i babbling? the rest of the couples that weepz "matchmaked", i shan't make any comments here. little private things like these should only appear in little private talks haha.

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, March 03, 2004
withers away @ 11:10 pm

well well i must say that today has been a really interesting day. the ones have been revealed to me. i must say the result is quite funny. but anyhow i have no idea what would happen after this. hmmm. ok i shall not elaborate. i am not supposed to say anything about it. i won't. kill me and i still won't say. well what else happened today? nothing much i guess. qy went into his depression mood again. i started to stone and think about loads of stuff i shouldn't think about again. i just can't break this habit. nvm forget it.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, March 02, 2004
withers away @ 11:17 pm

ok i must must blog about what happened yesterday because i want to make up for the bad mood yesterday. well i was the first to reach as usual. joan came in a cute checkered skirt. when we reached heerens bus stop a few minutes after 1230, no one else was there. it was only then when i realized that we are not meeting up with the whole class. we are only having small group outing, ie with the guys. how did i end up hanging out with the guys? ok i also dunno. this is nothing wrong to me but somehow it's something wrong with my mum i guess. but who cares for now. eventually yu cheng, wee pin and qing yang came. we asked around for o level grades and all. we couldnt decide where to eat and after walking back and fro we decided on BK. after eating and shooting ice around, we didnt know what to do. in the end we had three suggestions: go watch movie, play pool, kbox. ended up playing pool. we walked to ssc and realized it was full. walked back to meridien and found empty tables. good. so we settled and started to play pool. only qy played it before. so pro. sum said it was his first time, but it looked too pro to be true. weepz hit the cue ball into the hole 7 times in one game. that was really funny. so after playing for some time (i've got no idea how long since i've got no sense of time), we had to rot somewhere. we went ps to play arcade in the end. but sum got chased out twice because he was wearing his maris stella pants. so sad. i never really thought that people there did care. esp about the pants. well apparently they did. so we went to the food court and stoned. literally. esp joan and i. we just kept quiet while the guys babbled. qy marvelled at our art of stoning. haha. in the end qy and sum went off to check out bikes. so left me and joan and weepz. interrogation about the one went on smoothly but without any breakthrough. as usual. something new though: interrogation about joan's the one started. major start. i was still bugging her today. both of them are sick and tired and scared of all the rantings of "who is it". i don't even have the chance of being bugged. an unjust verdict passed on me without letting me even defend my case. i've been convicted! hahaha. wah lao stupid weepz kept turning around and looking at me with that kind of face today. just what made you all say that it's him huh, joan and weepz? i don't even know what happened before i got convicted! haha i don't think anyone knows what i'm talking about. oh nvm but i still think everything is quite funny. oh yah we went into the arcade to play for a while too. erm then when we had to go, joan and i continued to ask weepz continuously about the one simultaneously, until he got damn scared. in the end they sat the same line as me so they would not need to squeeze into their mrt. joan continued with the rantings but obviously we failed again. oh well nvm. let's talk about today now. today i went home early so as to not anger my mum any further and did maths. didnt bother to do chem since there is no chem tutorial tml. did my jae today too. chose nj as my first choice. i know i disappointed some in making that decision. no matter what, cyn and lao gong you all will still be my best friends. cyn, thanks for listening to all my crap late in the night until both of us just fall asleep. thanks for the advice that everyone in nj and ny gave me. both mum and dad want me to go hc. i'm going to show them that i'll do just as well in nj, if not better, while having fun. this shall be my aim in life for the next 1 year+. ok gtg to sleep before mum jumps out of bed to scream.

It's something Mystical

Monday, March 01, 2004
withers away @ 11:34 pm

just now my com hung and everything went kampoom. gone. i'm still damn stressed, damn frustrated, damn irritated. i'm supposed to off my comp now coz my mum said she would destroy it if i didn't off it by 11.30pm. i still havent done my gp comprehension and i'm hecking about it. who gives a damn about gp. i think i'll only do my gp research task thing tml. who gives a damn about it. i shall just print out whatever Nanthini gave me and read it on the bus and come up with something. whatever the heck i don't give a damn. today is a very nice day but mum had to spoil it by talking about hc again consecutively for the thousandth day and screamed at me. ok whatever.

It's something Mystical